Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Perfectly imperfect

"You're such a perfectionist!"

High expectations of myself. Fear of letting others down. Thats me. It's only recently that I admitted to myself that others expectations of me are usually not as high as mine, and that in my perfectionist tendencies I was often only letting myself down.

In week three I posted about 'I am enough'. It is time to let go of the comparisons to others, the self judgement, the worry about others needs, and acknowledge that I'm an individual, different to everyone else on this planet with unique talents and lots to give. And that I must not forget about giving to myself.

Week nine's SYLC is about going easy on yourself. It's a good excuse to check in on how I'm tracking with being ok just being me.

The verdict?

I've certainly improved. I'm spending less time at work. I was walking to work despite the urge to get in early, and I was leaving on time some nights to go to pilates leaving so-called 'urgent' tasks staring me in the face. I'm making small tracks on some personal projects. I took a month's holiday to Europe and every day did pretty much as I pleased. It felt great waking up naturally, cooking or not, spending hours going through places that were of interest to me. It was a very rejuvenating escape.

Well almost…. that's not true.

It was, that is, until I met up with a friend.

I've holidayed with this person before, but it's only this trip that I realised how often, when we are together, I don't feel good about myself. When I'm around this person I constantly compare myself to those around him. I feel insignificant in my achievements, untalented, awkward. I feel I'm not good enough at the things I actually enjoy doing, and that I should in fact like things, be good a things, or find things important, that I actually don't.

It was quite an awakening. I now appreciate that just because I don’t have the same talents that others have, or the same interests, it doesn't make me less of a person. I do have different abilities for sure. I don't feel the need to push them on anyone else or make out they're superior. They are they important to me, and that's enough.

With this new found clarity I went some ways to staking my ground and on occasion leaving him to do my own thing. It felt good. Really good.

So what now? Well, my intention is rather than spend so much time worrying about what I'm not, I need to invest in what I am. This includes being confident in my choices. In the way I decorate my home, in how I dress, in what I do with my time. 

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